Humorscopes - December 31, 2008
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Secret society day, today. Don’t join — no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they’ll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it’ll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze “cute”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live”. But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die”. Or something.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You’re in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You’ll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The currency crisis in Russia will continue to trouble you. The next time you have a dream in which you are told by your old Uncle Max to invest all your money in a canned borsht factory in Leningrad, you might stop to consider the alternatives. I hear that mutual funds can be nice, for example.
Recent Comments